If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
