God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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