Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
