Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
