Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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