Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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