i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
