can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
