Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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