i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
