Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
