Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
