We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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