literally had 100 drinks last night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
