Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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