When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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