he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
