Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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