Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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