I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
