They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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