My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
