We won't sleep together?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
