My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
