If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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