My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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