I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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