my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
