Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
