My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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