Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
