i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
