I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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