I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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