I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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