I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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