Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i dont even know how to be here
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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