Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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