i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
