Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
