her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
