I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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