My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
