yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
