I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize