I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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