a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
