God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
