In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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