Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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