I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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