Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
