Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
PANTIES FOUND
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