planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
