i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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