Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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