K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
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I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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