your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
